Fucker McFuckFuck

fuck ... my only fucking chance. to fukin get away from it all. to go see the people i needed to see. and to add to that i was going to dance. and what do i do ?? i fukin sleep in. what the fuck. it was really 5:28. i was supposed to call gerald at 5:30. i layed down for a minute. a fukin minute. not thinking i would knock the fuck out the way i did. i have no one else to blame but myself. i missed practice and i hate it. i hate it with the fukin passion. i hav that feeling like i'm not making progress like i'm wasting my time. i missed auditions for So Krispy and Nasty Naughty Boy. i missed spacing for gerald's routine and will most likely not be in the peice anymore. i'm so dissapointed. and now all i hear is the fukin t.v. on some loud ass fob shit. people yelling becus my little sister is crying for the stupidest reasons. what did u fukin do to deserve this. and once again i can't look at anything else but the fact that it is all my fault. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

and now i don't even have the feeling to want to do anything. i just wanna go into my room ....... and sit in there .... and cry and bawl like a fukin girl.

Lifeless Mother Fucker.

everythings been towards a negative pull lately. everything. there are moments when i laff and smile and i feel like all this negativity will just go away, but it hasn't. it seems like im being followed ... being watched or tested. like if i don't do the right thing this entity of some sort will just make it worse. i don't know where my place is in life. im so confused. i've been feeling this for the past few days and didn't know what to do about it. now that i'm at my dad's it's not helping at all. he said some hurtful things. that's something i didn't get from him. i have respect for people. i know other people have feelings and i won't trample all over them like they don't. well now that i'm here i feel .... i feel cut off from my life source. i feel drained. like i can't do anything without feeling right. but i knew it would end up like this anyway.

i can't do this without you guys. kotine, lorena, gerald ... and even my mom.

... it's killing me ...

SORRY BLOGSPOT !!

i just posted up like 3 or 4 blogs of shit i've had on xanga. i usually copy and paste but i've been lazy. a lazy sloth named Edwina.

No Tears For Me.

soooo my step mother called and we talked. i haven't been to my dad's house in about 2 weeks and i'd tell you why but i don't feel like it. all it really is was me and him butting head again and i needed time away from him. but as me and my stepmom werr talking she said stuff like "u know your dad" and "we never kikd you out" ... i know all this already. and if it sounds like my dad is some evil entity he isn't. people have their flaws and a dad is obviously a person. but yah. for some reason wen my step mom said all "i want to know is if your ok ... " and i said " ... but it doesn't sound like you do ... " there was a long silence ... and i couldn't hold myself from crying ... so i did. and i told her i'm coming home tomorow. and hung up. then i wiped my tears and went back to the dance room becus i was at dance practice. and i'm ABSOLUTLY not writing this for any type of sympathy. a place like this is somewhere i can vent and that's what im doing so ya.

i love kotine, lorena, and gerald. and i can't emphasize that any more.

Lions, Tigers, & Bears. I LOVE IT !!

so ... i had one of the most greatest times of my life yesterday. the trip that we went on was one of the most memorable. well to me. i got to spend time with the people i truly love. and even more people too like thien, jonathen, gino, and irwin. no words can describe the amount of joy i felt. but i'll try. the trip started off with being late of course because who is ever ON TIME. not us. but the drive was great. i got time with gerald and thien. and thien is really a nice and fun guy. he has the greatest music sense, maybe becus its pretty much the same as mine. so gerald thien and i would sing out loud with the music as loud as it can be so it can cover up our horrible voices haha. and then we split up so we could pick up some boy. he was just some boy in the beginning but after the whole time we hung out i can say he is definitely a close friend. one that could hooka with me haha. but anyways more on the trip. we went to go eat at a place called Lori's Diner ... and that's it haha nothing special. after this we went to Haight street to go shopping. i wasn't really into shopping at that time. i was more interested in going to the beach. ohh the beach. call me a hippie becus i won't give a shit. but i loved the beach soooo much. n then i noticed how beautiful the earth is when i went to this cave. there lorena gino and i watched this underwater cave thing. i liked it a lot. gino laffs a lot, it makes me happy. haha. but at the beach i was an adventurous fellow and ran up and down the sand playing in the waves and what not. there was a dead seagull ... dead animals scare me. and then thien played with a kelp shit that could function as a whip. hot haha. but after all this we went home. and let me tell you something. lorena told tiger, that's what we called irwin, that i don't liked to be pinched. and this boy is gonna attack me every time i fall asleep. jesus christ he sucks. and lorena helped him at it. bitches. i even called them that and they pinched me harder !! ... WHAT THE FUCK !?!!?! haha jk i aint trippin. but we all resided at jonathen's house. gino had to go home boo. then we all drank and ate taco bell. i don't really wanna elaborate on the whole drinking part. u can probably write the story yourself. ohh i saw jusann !! it was refreshing becus i missed him. like he's just somebody that can make me smile. haha weird but cool. but me and kotine did spoken word. i swear this girl should pursue spoken word in life cus she is a natural. but then that's pretty much it.

good to you of you read all this shit.
i love all you guys and gals. i really do.

Plan San Fran.

so it took us a couple of months to plan something and today is the day. haha. kotine, jonathen, lorena, gerald, gino, and theinda de ropa are going toooooo. the baybay. haha eww. yes we are going to SanFran for a day full of fun-packed adventures. this is the plan but it'll be tweeked as we get there. im sure of it haha.

1. Go to Hayt Street or however u spell that shit and go semi-costume shopping for our Catch-A-Fire performance on September 8th & 9th. *wink wink.

2. Eat at some place by the water so it will definitely consist of someting that dwells in the sea. like ... seal. jk.

3. Walk the streets of San Franscisco out of excitement.

4. Fisnish the day off by going to the beach. preferably half moon bay, or pebble beach. any beach is a o k.

5. Return home in our rented van to our desired locations.

damn im excited. can the day start already !?!?! Geez.

I I I I I I I'm Chillin'

i haven't been catching up with my blogspot. once again haha. all i've been really doing is chillin with kotint loranyt and geraldo. and loving every minute of it. more later not now haha

WHEN GOOD KOTINES GO BAD !!

well it's august. a new month. i have 26 days left until i go back to school. yuck. i didn't sleep again. sleep is for ninnies. haha. but i've been watching this cute show called digimon on youtube. wait ... i watch anime ?? OF COURSE I DO !! not really. just stuff that will keep me occupied and entertained. and digimon is soooo cute. it kept me captivated for 48 episodes. hahahaha i think that's pretty funny. pretty damn funny actually.

ok so let me tell you. a nite ago kotine attacked me. like forreal tho. i aint playin. she ATTACKED me. i guess she had some sort of energy surge and tearing me to shreds was her first primal instinct. im jk it wasn't that bad. but it was a little intense. and i colored my hair again. i bleached it bigger. becus bigger is beautifuler. duh. and since i had blue in my hair it turned out looking like a beach. it was cute but i'm not planning to keep it in any longer. because tonite is a special tonite.

im going camping !! wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. im excited. when gerald gets off his shift in 1 hour and 37 minutes he is going to take me to kotines. there me and her will venture into the depths of her garage in search of a tent. n when gerald gets back from his second shift we mite go shopping for camp supplies ... like beartraps and food. exnay on the eartrapsbay. i don't really know how to speak pig latin. it has the word pig in it. which means i should definitely stray away from the fact that i could speak some sort of pig language. but yah. surprise surprise everybody. im gay. we r gonna go camping in scenic ... kotine's backyard. damn im excited !! no i really am. but we most likely will migrate back to her room once we have to check our myspaces. hahahahaha. im jk. but ya.

frisco trip on sunday. im so excited i wet myself.